Howdy squirrels! Hope that last dream didn’t get you too hungry for some cotton candy – LOL! Speakin’ of eating, I sure do love a great meal. Course, Pegi makes the best grub out of anyone. Love you Pegi!
Every now and then, I like to take a trek to a restaurant and grab a bite or two, usually when Peg’s outta town. Not too long ago the wife was out and about, so I called one of my best buds, Dave Grohl to see if he wanted to chow down. Dave was more than happy to meet up, and it just so happened I was in his neck of the woods in SoCal. Dave then asked me where I wanted to meet up.
I suggested The Medieval Times in Buena Vista. You know, the spot where you get to dress up like a king and grub on turkey legs? Dave thought it sounded like a swell idea and we both headed over. What a great guy. Hey Dave!
We got to Medieval Times and were seated right in front of the jousting arena. So cool! Before the excitement began, we ordered our dishes. Dave, always the health- conscious dude, got a green salad and a glass of red wine. Me, I pulled a regular Brian Wilson. 8 turkey legs and 5 goblets of non-alcoholic mead later, I was feeling pretty wild.
“You all right Neil?” Dave asked. I must’ve looked pretty pale.
“I’ll… be… fine…” Holy Toledo! I felt like Frosty The Snowman at a 4th O’ July shindig. Couldn’t spill the beans and let Dave know I wasn’t feeling well though. I didn’t want to ruin the evening!
“Neil, you look kind of sick. Come on, let me get you some antacid or something!”
I belched. “I’m fine… I just…” There must have been a truckload of tryptophan in those legs, squirrels, cause next I knew I was laid out on the floor and feeling pretty sleepy…
I slowly opened my eyes. I looked around and saw a bustling village setting. This was no Buena Vista! I gathered myself and dusted off my clothes. What the hell was I wearing! It looked to be I had on leather boots, green tights, and a tunic with a light layer of chain mail over it. I felt my hip and sure enough there was a sword at my side. What was I? Some kind of warrior? Cortez came outta nowhere and landed on my arm. He sure was a sight for sore eyes.
I suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. It looked like an old beggar.
“Excuse me, kind sir.” He had a familiar whisper to his voice. “Would thou have a pence to spare on a poor soul such as I?”
I felt around in my pocket. Nothing.
“Sorry, sir, all I have is the shirt on my back and the crow on my shoulder.”
The old man chuckled. What the heck? “Check again,” he mumbled.
I dug into my pocket yet again. Holy Mama Cass! There was a huge mound of gold coins!
The beggar laughed and removed his hood. It was Tom! That trickster got me again!
“Neil,” he said lighting a stogie, “I’ll cut to the chase. We’re in Medieval Europe. There’s trouble brewing, and you’re the guy this kingdom needs. King Robert, well, you’ll be in his court soon. You’ll be needing this -” Tom handed me a beautiful wooden lute. It had “N” and “Y” carved into it. Beautiful.
“What kind of trouble are we talking about, Tom? Fair maidens in peril? Barbarian attacks?”
Tom took a drag and then put it out on his shoe. “I’ll tell you what. Stick by that lute and I promise you’ll be fine. Oh, and you may be needing this.” Tom then handed me a small vile. “From the Doc.” He nodded. “Only use it if you come to a battle of… spells and fantasy.”
I nodded. Tom meant business. “We heading to the castle, then? Lead the way!”
“Dave should be here any minute to take you there. Yours truly is heading to the pub. Medieval grog may be about as lethal as drinking petrol, but you only go around once.”
“Dave? Dave Crosby? Dave Matthews? Come on, Tom!”
Suddenly, a knightly looking figure riding atop a steed came into sight. It was Dave Grohl, my dinner date! Here he was, all in plated armor and a sword just like Aragorn’s!
Dave’s horse whinnied as they stalled, “Easy, Providence!” The horse calmed. “Sir Neil! You’ve arrived!”
I couldn’t believe it. “Dave, this is gonna sound kooky, but I think our ‘real’ world experiences leaked into my unconscious! You know, me passing out at Medieval Times brought us both here!”
Both Dave and Tom laughed heartily. What was so funny?
“No need to explain,” Dave smiled. “Hop on! Time is of the essence! King Robert awaits us!”
I hopped on the horse along with Cortez. Tom waved and slunk away to the bar. We were on our way to the castle.
We arrived shortly, Dave driving Providence fast as he could. When we approached the place, about 20 trumpeters marked our arrival. Cool!
We made our way to the great hall where the king’s throne sat. From a distance he looked regal, yet unamused. Kind of like a statue but with distinguished blonde hair and a scepter. Would you check out those robes!
In front of the king stood a performer, playing a lute much like mine was. Boy he was shredding! There was something familiar about him, though. He was wearing these groovy purple and blue duds and a white puffy shirt underneath. It took me a sec but I figured it out – it was Prince!
“This is nonsense,” The king said. “You’re just flailing about on the thing.”
He stood and I got a better look at his face. The ol’ King was Robert Plant! He had a crown on and everything! Move over, Jughead!
Prince didn’t look too happy at this. “Yeah? Let’s see you try it!”
Robert scoffed. “Dear boy, I don’t need to prove myself to you. I’m the king after all!”
Things were starting to get heated. I was getting nervous. Chill out guys!
Dave cleared his throat and broke into the conversation. “My liege!” He bowed. Cortez and I followed suit.
Robert’s frown dissipated. “Why Sir David! And… Sir Neil? This certainly is a surprise! Please, rise, rise!”
We rose as Dave continued talking, “My liege, The Gods have delivered brave Sir Neil to aid our riddance of the dark lizard who plagues our land.”
Prince snorted. “You expect this man to rid our fair land of the dark and powerful beast? You may as well dig your graves as we speak.”
King Robert sighed, “Now, now, Prince. Lest us not forget we are to work together to combat the beast of the cavern.”
Prince threw down his lute and screamed, “Enough! I will not stand by and let a mere commoner take all the glory! You will rue the day you crossed Prince!” With that, he threw a crazy-lookin’ crystal to the floor and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
“HOLY SHIT!” I yelled. What? I was spooked.
As the smoke cleared, King Robert removed his kingly robes and came down to the ground level.
“Gentlemen – what you have just seen is a display of jealousy and contempt from court entertainer Prince. The fact remains true – he is extremely talented, but he is not the man for the enormous undertaking of ridding our land of the great beast. “ He put his hands on our shoulders. “Sir David, Sir Neil, that is where you come into play. The surefire way to lure the beast from its cavern is to entrance it with music. I cannot leave my post to do so, as I am ruler. Surely you can both, can you not?”
Dave kneeled. “It would be more than an honor, my exalted one.”
Robert smiled. “What say you, Sir Neil?”
“What exactly do you mean when you say ‘great beast’ ?”
Robert mused. “A dragon, mostly.”
“Woah!” I jumped back. “I’ve dealt with Zombies, Clowns, Mummies, Volcano Spirits and my ex-girlfriend when she was on the rag – but I ain’t goin anywhere near a dragon!”
“You must Neil!” Robert pleaded. He looked curiously at Cortez. “Perhaps I can help you become accustomed to dragons.” He grabbed Cortez and then began to conjure up a spell out of thin air. “ALAKAZEE!” he chanted.
“Cut it out!” I yelled.
Dave stopped me, “King Robert knows what’s best.”
“ALAKAZAM!” a large boom happened and another puff of smoke appeared. Where Cortez once was, a cute little dragon took his place. He growled, then flew over to my shoulder! Trippy! It was just like I was on that Game of Thrones!
“Cortez? Is that really you?” He still had that devilish glint in his eye. It was him all right!
“Certainly a dragon can help you pinpoint the location of another dragon,” Robert spoke.
“Well, all right. I guess you can count me in.” Dave and Robert cheered.
“We embark at once!” Dave gleamed. We were in for a real life or death adventure all right. Man, should I call Pegi and tell her I love her now or later? Gee whiz.
Gotta take a break real quick, squirrels Pretty sure the postman just came to the door with that wheel of cheese I ordered from Wisconsin - yum! Part 2 will be up real soon!